Nicole Laws

PND after leaving SCN

I’m not sure you can ever be prepared for having a premature baby whether it’s your first or fifth time around!! Once bubs are born the SCN tends to let you know how they are tracking, how to calculate their corrected age and what to expect developmentally. BUT nobody prepared ME for the roller coaster of emotions and moods that were to follow... There has been guilt that somehow, I did something wrong and that’s why he was premmie, or I didn’t do enough of the right things to keep him safe on the inside for long enough.. When he wasn’t gaining weight it was my fault somehow because he was completely reliant on me and my breastmilk. Here is this tiny helpless baby whose life is dependent on me and me alone and yet I feel like I’m completely failing him... The tiniest of victories has you soaring high as if you had just won the lottery and before you know it something happens and down you go again except this time it feels like it’s so much further to fall !! Amongst all this chaos are the other children of the family, our husbands and friends who are used to each having their little piece of us and yet now there is nothing left for anyone, not even mum. There are always the comments of “you can’t pour from an empty cup” or “make sure you are taking care of yourself too” which is always well meaning but just so not helpful or even remotely doable. Committing to run the 10km in Rocky has given me some “me” time and given me something to work towards that I can hold close to my heart !

Tiny Tanner pays it forward